I gave up. I called him, asking if he wants to go swimming ( thou it's just an excuse to patch things up with him) and I thought that I could spend a whole night with him but guess what.. He said he's going out and I could come if I want to. ( WTF?) And where he's going?

you got it right. PLUSH.

I broke down then I hang up on him. He did mention that he already promised his friends. How about me? I could leave my friends behind just to spend time with him but he can never stop clubbing for me.

I swear this is my biggest regret. And I cannot stop myself from crying

PART1

Couldn't sleep well. Dream of him , it's a very short dream like a few seconds but on and off. Like i could feel his existence in the room, pretty scary thou ( often have such dreams which wakes me up then when I go back to sleep, it will pop up again repeatedly - only when I had booze) The person which often pop out are even your last seen person, or that person which you've been thinking about. Then that's when I woke up and check on my hp for his messages. None, but what can he still say now... =\ I want the rose. 

We often break then patch things up within a day or 2. It's been the 2nd day and I don't see him. Probably it's the right choice that we shouldn't even think about patching back.... I've started to miss him already since i walk away. I feel like calling him up but yeah, he just gonna throw me with sacarstic comments again which is rather more hurting. 

How does he feel at this very moment? Is he masturbating or thinking about me?

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

I missssss him soo.... much. Esp when out of no where, he will tell me he loves me, pulling my head towards his and start kissing me on my forehead, nose and lips. Then he will give me those really really small little cute eyes expression... =\

PART2

Went to lie down after the first post but couldn't sleep. Then I started hugging my maki ( A big round soft ball with just a pair of big black dots and a smiley look with a small tall on the other end ) He spend $20 just to catch it for me (whether is it for his excitment or me but I gonna take it as it's for me.... FEELS BETTER WHAT RIGHT...) and he gave me as a surprise! I was jumping in joy when he pop maki on my face. :((((   (not literally jumping)

That's when I wanna msg him so badly. I have a few msgs which I didn't send out. like

 " Maki says hi. TEEHEE??? "

" Swimming????? "

" HELLO :D?? "

" I miss you "

" Come back YOU FUCKING CHEZEBYE " - exaggerated. LOL

HUNGRY! I MISS UDON. Today is a saturday and it's 11.53am. Probably heading down to school then home to sleep. =\ 

Pretty tired of clubbing . The reason I went to club was, I need a booze and attention being diverted. And I never like the feeling where you're feeling so sad and you stay at home which makes you feel even more blue and KNEWING THAT THAT GUY IS DEFINATELY GOING TO PARTY. -_______-    

That one = CLIMAX

I bet he's gonna club again. Sometimes, I really wish he could spend some time doing meaningful things with me rather than clubbing. OK, IT JUST CAME INTO MY MIND, LOL. 

We go get a big big book then put our photos in. Write stuff and decorate it! (yeah what.. he will like.. " what the fuck?! " then start laughing then change topic) It's seems gay but it's actually sweet. Or we could just watch tv in his living room together? go to the beach?

I guess nothing interest him that's why he would choose to club. I guess I couldn't interest him at all or we share no interests... I find it really hurting when I can't think of anything to do or can't suggest anything? And his mindset is already - nothing to do , CLUB or CINE which means that whatever I suggest which shows him little or no interest at all = CLUB , which is to me = CLIMAX

And when I asked, "go cine do what?"  "Don't know"

It's so lifeless, everyday is just the same routine. If I would to spend my days being so lifeless with him, I'd rather spend it with him when his friends aren't around.  You know girls, don't you like it when you're out with your boyfriends, they give you almost all their attention to you? I mean don't you girls like it? I do.. I really do and in fact, I don't mind just roaming around town with him alone or anywhere.

This is getting no where. I need to let go; I have to... 

And I m just gonna say this for last time (if we patch then no more last time) and I really really mean it last time.. because after this.. I'm really letting go. ( IF WE PATCH THEN DIFFERENT THING ... )

I think you all know lah. LOL

I want you.. so badly. Do you?

He left me and it was for good. I guess the fault really lies on me because I tried so hard... knewing that it didn't satisfy him yet I didn't try harder.

I wanna know how does he actually feels. When he tries to hurt me with his words, does he feel anything? When he gets mad over my mistakes, does he feel anything when he tells me off with harsh words? When we argued , does he feel anything if I would to walk away? Does he even feeel anything when he kissed me? or when he said " love you too"  before he hung up the phone?

Does he really mean it when he said he won't leave me? Does he really mean it when he says he doesn't want to love me anymore.....?

I swear I changed. I swear I tried sooo hard. I swear I kept my temper to myself. I swear I fork out most of my time for him. I swear I wanna be with him. I swear I love him.

If only he could give in... a little.

I miss yannie.
I miss kaiting.
I miss raymond.

I miss all my old friends.. where have you people been..

I don't know how much more do I need to do to prove that I really tried.


these are the msgs which I replied but didn't send.


"i on the bus, on my way home. i seee black people, like tons? where you !!!?'


"ok, movie where? let me go home shower first."


" don't go... all I wanted is you to understand how i felt instead of me but you just keep flaring at me and all u wanted is to club.All you wanted me is to do things which you like. U have never wanted to go fishing with me. you have never wanted overseas with me. all you wanted is to go cine slack then club... how about me? Have you even ask what do i like? you didn't because it's all about you. Just because i done you wrong, i m changing for better but you just keep taking me for granted. and for your sake, i did whatever i could to click with your friends but what they did to me? Aren't they even grateful? or probably they don't feeel it? or maybe i haven't done better... i love you so much, i tried to control my temper towards you but why do you keep using harsh words on me..."


but the saddest part is, we could never put down our ego for love.




guess what? FUCK IT MAN. It's yourself ... everything is about you. It's time for me to have my own life.