Just reached home after sending yannie home.

Had alot of fun initially till i got home. I can't stop but thinking, I can't afford to take the risk after so much failed r/s in the past. I can't trust him . He'shas beeing missing for 2 days and he claimed tht he's sleeping because sick and i just met him in the noon and then he's missing till now, again. He claimed that he's sick since the day b4. how could he sleep so long? And i even called his house where his cousin claimed he's not home.


Been single since april and now , I falling into it again. Reached home , Can't help but cried. Did told people that in a r/s , without trust it will fall but yet I'm contradicting myself.



I can't take it yet i don't wanna lose him either. Studies had been totally affect till I can't even concentrate at all. I can't even skecth or paint anymore. Basically, Just thinking about what he's doing. I know i m sensitive but I can't help it after so much happened.


Should I give up? i can't go on weeping everyday, Thinking and praying he's really sleeping. I can't go on like this....

Guys, btw, i now have 2 blogs because of school project. WWW.Amanda-ho.blogspot.com is for my school blog. forced to open one. =(

Sweet brought me for shopping spree!

ahhhh... just pop a few chill pills. Feeling alot betterr.... yeahhhhhhh..... hands shivering thou but feeeeeeeeeeelssss good. heh...

Now in school. Feel super vexed. Cannot cope with projects.

I don't even feel like talking. I can't even talk. The o nly thing I can do now is cry. I just wanna cry. Fuck.

I can't even talk to corde nor ade.

After bk gve remarks about my art blog, I felt pretty disappointed. I shouldn't have even spend my time on melvin And my sketches? ALL DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN because i don't have the fucking time to work on it. ALL given to melvin. Fuck.

That's it.


I just wanna cry out loud but that ain't gonna help at all. I realised I really can't cope time with r/s at all . I thought I could.
Melvin gonna start screaming at me for not meeeting him. Then he's gonna stress me out saying I didn't spend time on him. I can't take this no more. He's gonna start pushihng fault to me then gonna strat calling me bitch blah blah this blah blah that.

He's already stressing me out ytd when I had a fight with stan. I just need peace to w ork on my project sketches but he wouldn't leave me alone. He kept calling and calling. FUCK... I really can't stand it anymore. Can't he just be a little more understanding? I just need some quiet time to work on my own stuff. Everytime I get really stress up or vexed or school works.... He will assume that i m pissed with him then he will start annoying me by askin am I piss off with him or why m i so angry... WHEN EVERYTIME I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT I M FUCKING TIRED NOT ANGRY. I m sick of explaining upteen times tthat I m not angry at all. I'm just fucking tired.

I m sick of hushing him down like a fucking baby where I was the one who needs to be hush. FUcking hell. I m sick of him. Why is he pressuring me when I m fucking failing my semester now!!!

I don't need his fucking porsche nor his fucking money or penthhouse. I just need someone to understand me. TO hush me down.


I have proojects to rush. I m fucking sick . I m drowning myself with pills daily. 3 times a day. Fucking tired. Why can't he just spare me some space for my own stuff. Fucking self centered.


Just feel drowning myself with sleeping pills. I m sick of life. FUck it.



I m so sick of everything.