wished that you could hug me from the back.. telling me you love me.

Sometimes, it's true that honey moon period will never last. Neither does promises.

I m always praying for the right one. Maybe I didn't treasure in the first place but when i realized that it's my fault, I will change.

And when always I learn to change , it's always too late for me.

Sometimes, I hope you could understand how I felt. It isn't easy to control one's emotion esp to find out that someone you loved changed.

I've stopped clubbing, Hanging out with friends... even stop wearing my favourtie clothes. Laided down my pride and ego. Neglected my best friends. Lied to my friends. 

Now my life is just like monotone. At times... I wished.... I wish... I could think for myself.

:(... can anyone tell me where to download programme like "hello" , for fast uploading of photos for mac version? :( 

WOO

Sorry peeps! busy with my new life and my camera is spoilt so kinda lose interest in blogging. Update soon!!! KEKEKE..

I gave up. I called him, asking if he wants to go swimming ( thou it's just an excuse to patch things up with him) and I thought that I could spend a whole night with him but guess what.. He said he's going out and I could come if I want to. ( WTF?) And where he's going?

you got it right. PLUSH.

I broke down then I hang up on him. He did mention that he already promised his friends. How about me? I could leave my friends behind just to spend time with him but he can never stop clubbing for me.

I swear this is my biggest regret. And I cannot stop myself from crying

PART1

Couldn't sleep well. Dream of him , it's a very short dream like a few seconds but on and off. Like i could feel his existence in the room, pretty scary thou ( often have such dreams which wakes me up then when I go back to sleep, it will pop up again repeatedly - only when I had booze) The person which often pop out are even your last seen person, or that person which you've been thinking about. Then that's when I woke up and check on my hp for his messages. None, but what can he still say now... =\ I want the rose. 

We often break then patch things up within a day or 2. It's been the 2nd day and I don't see him. Probably it's the right choice that we shouldn't even think about patching back.... I've started to miss him already since i walk away. I feel like calling him up but yeah, he just gonna throw me with sacarstic comments again which is rather more hurting. 

How does he feel at this very moment? Is he masturbating or thinking about me?

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

I missssss him soo.... much. Esp when out of no where, he will tell me he loves me, pulling my head towards his and start kissing me on my forehead, nose and lips. Then he will give me those really really small little cute eyes expression... =\

PART2

Went to lie down after the first post but couldn't sleep. Then I started hugging my maki ( A big round soft ball with just a pair of big black dots and a smiley look with a small tall on the other end ) He spend $20 just to catch it for me (whether is it for his excitment or me but I gonna take it as it's for me.... FEELS BETTER WHAT RIGHT...) and he gave me as a surprise! I was jumping in joy when he pop maki on my face. :((((   (not literally jumping)

That's when I wanna msg him so badly. I have a few msgs which I didn't send out. like

 " Maki says hi. TEEHEE??? "

" Swimming????? "

" HELLO :D?? "

" I miss you "

" Come back YOU FUCKING CHEZEBYE " - exaggerated. LOL

HUNGRY! I MISS UDON. Today is a saturday and it's 11.53am. Probably heading down to school then home to sleep. =\ 

Pretty tired of clubbing . The reason I went to club was, I need a booze and attention being diverted. And I never like the feeling where you're feeling so sad and you stay at home which makes you feel even more blue and KNEWING THAT THAT GUY IS DEFINATELY GOING TO PARTY. -_______-    

That one = CLIMAX

I bet he's gonna club again. Sometimes, I really wish he could spend some time doing meaningful things with me rather than clubbing. OK, IT JUST CAME INTO MY MIND, LOL. 

We go get a big big book then put our photos in. Write stuff and decorate it! (yeah what.. he will like.. " what the fuck?! " then start laughing then change topic) It's seems gay but it's actually sweet. Or we could just watch tv in his living room together? go to the beach?

I guess nothing interest him that's why he would choose to club. I guess I couldn't interest him at all or we share no interests... I find it really hurting when I can't think of anything to do or can't suggest anything? And his mindset is already - nothing to do , CLUB or CINE which means that whatever I suggest which shows him little or no interest at all = CLUB , which is to me = CLIMAX

And when I asked, "go cine do what?"  "Don't know"

It's so lifeless, everyday is just the same routine. If I would to spend my days being so lifeless with him, I'd rather spend it with him when his friends aren't around.  You know girls, don't you like it when you're out with your boyfriends, they give you almost all their attention to you? I mean don't you girls like it? I do.. I really do and in fact, I don't mind just roaming around town with him alone or anywhere.

This is getting no where. I need to let go; I have to... 

And I m just gonna say this for last time (if we patch then no more last time) and I really really mean it last time.. because after this.. I'm really letting go. ( IF WE PATCH THEN DIFFERENT THING ... )

I think you all know lah. LOL

I want you.. so badly. Do you?

He left me and it was for good. I guess the fault really lies on me because I tried so hard... knewing that it didn't satisfy him yet I didn't try harder.

I wanna know how does he actually feels. When he tries to hurt me with his words, does he feel anything? When he gets mad over my mistakes, does he feel anything when he tells me off with harsh words? When we argued , does he feel anything if I would to walk away? Does he even feeel anything when he kissed me? or when he said " love you too"  before he hung up the phone?

Does he really mean it when he said he won't leave me? Does he really mean it when he says he doesn't want to love me anymore.....?

I swear I changed. I swear I tried sooo hard. I swear I kept my temper to myself. I swear I fork out most of my time for him. I swear I wanna be with him. I swear I love him.

If only he could give in... a little.

I miss yannie.
I miss kaiting.
I miss raymond.

I miss all my old friends.. where have you people been..

I don't know how much more do I need to do to prove that I really tried.


these are the msgs which I replied but didn't send.


"i on the bus, on my way home. i seee black people, like tons? where you !!!?'


"ok, movie where? let me go home shower first."


" don't go... all I wanted is you to understand how i felt instead of me but you just keep flaring at me and all u wanted is to club.All you wanted me is to do things which you like. U have never wanted to go fishing with me. you have never wanted overseas with me. all you wanted is to go cine slack then club... how about me? Have you even ask what do i like? you didn't because it's all about you. Just because i done you wrong, i m changing for better but you just keep taking me for granted. and for your sake, i did whatever i could to click with your friends but what they did to me? Aren't they even grateful? or probably they don't feeel it? or maybe i haven't done better... i love you so much, i tried to control my temper towards you but why do you keep using harsh words on me..."


but the saddest part is, we could never put down our ego for love.




guess what? FUCK IT MAN. It's yourself ... everything is about you. It's time for me to have my own life.

hilmi!
Platte knife painting.
water colour sunflower, if you observe carefully, i painted on the wrong side of the canvas. fuck..
painting on texturize surface. lazy to complete
had the gardasil* ( the vaccination for cervical cancer, you girls should go get it!)
New privilege! on the right. only the colour difference..


tiring man..

process

despite how tired we are, corde was still ever sweet to buy dinner and arrange nicely for me.
that's my lecturer
our workshop.
i drilled a hole. ^^
SICKENING
YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TIRING IT IS TO DE-BARK THIS SHIT

I GRIND THIS SHIT LIKE FUCK OK. FUCKING DUSTY
i gave hunnie 5 mins to buy me a rose to forgive him. TEEHEE. i love him
awww...
YEAH... he came to accompany me. and he did this.
got different position too






Decoration. Using rose petals and ciggies. lOl
Welcome to my studioo! more like my 2nd home.
Few of my sculptures. ^^^^^^^^^


corde says it looks like a vagina. *_|_*

Busy with derek and school lately. Birthday coming soon, 2nd nov and my keyboard is fucked up. WOO, learnt alot recently. Like responsiblities, being reasonable and putting yourself in other's shoes. Btw, My camera is spoilt after that fat chan stepped on it. I have ton of photos but extremely lazy to post up as the "HELLO" programme doesn't work anymore. WTFffFFFf.......

http://psychtraveller.livejournal.com/485135.html#cutid1


http://psychtraveller.livejournal.com/?skip=20


Check this baby out, i m a fan of hers.

Melvin : Hey whore , heard you go around telling people that you went with me so you can get free trips to japan hong kong all eh, good job.

Me :i've never say such things. and eversince we stop contact, i have not spoken anything about you.

FACT : Get real, Before i got together with you, how would i know your dad wants me to go overseas with you? Basically he was the one who insist me on going and you're the one who wanted the hong kong trip, not me.



Melvin : You and your mom really have the same genes. Cheap cunning and worthless.


Amanda: i didn't say anything. That's all i can say now.

Fact : You're insulting me and I m still keeping my cool. Don't push your luck fatty.



Melvin : Then why Jun hong all those people know. You got a high reputation as a whore already now still want start this.

Amanda : derek spoke to jun hong. jun hong says that he hasn't spoke to you for 2 years. Are you kidding me or something?

FACT : It;s not the first time where he use someone's name as a scapegoat. He used HENRY, he used SHAUN , he used CHRIST. high reputation? What u mean? Can fight with you not? leat i don't buy friends using money, i don't talk big , I don't seek attention. LOL. Attention seekers.
" Eh, you know how many cars i got???? " "I race with 30 subarus, they alll went missing when i turned." "My porsche 300 horsepower won a 400 horsepower -dunno what car- which apears on hotstuff. U SAW THAT?!" Right, even ah Dog was laughing at you when he saw you losing to tht car.


Melvin: People spreading around . Please stop being so cheap and i might drive pass geylang and see you working there someday.


Amanda; Sigh, you just can't stop boosting your ego, trying to encourage yourself everytime yo get exposed. Have fun loser. I bet he's laughing at the stories you made up after being exposed. Bomb.

FACT: i didn't know i was so famous despite my low profile image for the pass few years. How to be cheap? you k now i think i worth more than you? yon're absoutely nothing without your father.'s wealth and money. i've education and true friends - BTW, i don't buy them-
. You? Nothing.


Melvin: a loser is better than being a whore who sleep with guys for money, even my dad knows you as tanjong rhu blowjob no.1.

amanda : WAH, i bet your dad went there often, That's how he got to know your mom. Woots.

FACT: why tanjong rhu? hey, issit that whore is the only word u can use against me? LOL desn't other words fit ME? FACT, there isn't because, i dont talk big, i don't show off, i m NOT A HYPOCRITE NOR A LIAR. I DON'T MADE UP STORIES TO BOOST MY SELF ESTEEM , I DON'T DO THINGS WIHTOUT A REASON, I DON'T GO AROUND INSULTING PEOPLE TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER, I DON'T GO AROUND TELLING MY FRIENDS TO DO THINGS FOR ME AND LASTLY, I DON'T HAVE BODY ODOUR. You got a funny dad. I tanjong rhu blowjob no.1 , I WISH.. LOL , then derek gonna be the most fortunate guy!

Let's say 'I number 1 blow job in tanjong rhu, your mother number 2 - that's why your dad is so in love with her but he still can't get me! - your aunt number 3 that's why your uncle have her so what now, your dad jealous? awww.. orh luh orh luh... "

Melvin: That's why your mom is stupid. Wit, A shit useless daughter like you. Go work ktv. All show off my car telling people it's your. poor ass.


Fact: My mum was quite intelligent to tell that you're "bombing" stories to her and she actually find it annoying. LOL ( see the way she complains to derek , damn funny) I don't reply on others basically except for y dad for financial wise. In future, I can work myself. you? no education. If your dad doesn't exist, you have nothing. Get it? you play drugs, YOU PLAY CHEAP DRUGS LIKE COUGH SYRUP. oh yeah, about your car, i've never told anyone it's mine. please, I DON'T BEHAVE LIKE YOU. STOP MAKING ME SOUND LIKE YOU. (lucky you can't make me smell like you, eew) i m not like you " Aiya, that lumbo used to be mine but i crash it on the first day when i got my license. Nobody knows. (REALLY? *AMAZED*)


Melvin: Pua lok kue.

Amanda: that's what your dad calls your mom. LOL

Melvin: you believe I come your house slap you now bitch. Oh ya, you have no choice anyway, your mom's such an ass, Your dad has mistress. So you have to follow your lousy mom foot step. - - lol, I Starting to laugh. no kidding.

Amanda: My dad's mistress is your mom. That's why she gave birth to you. My dad fuck your mother.

FACT: Don't threaten me. when you went down to find derek at mos, you stand at one corner and ask jerry to talk to derek for you after you " Don't xia lan with me hor" kup, derek's phone. HUMJI. where's your gut? too much cough syrup? Why? angry liao wanna slap me? Lose liao wanna insult my mother? You damn childish. Find something better please.

Melvin: Anyway, I want you to pay for the back bumper damage . total will be 11k including tax.

Amanda : your dad will pay for you.

FACT : lol... it's getting funny, You can see obviously, he was pissed. He couldn't win me in those arugments and obviously he's trying to find trouble but he lost. Please, you still owe jon 230 for spoiling his suspension. You lousy driver. bTW, i saw your porsche on sgcarmart, 550 SPYder sia. Imgaine the owner bought it and realise that there are so many damage, front, side , back , rims , engine,,, etc,, WOO.

Melvin : NEvermind :) don't pay right?? maybe should see you in court someday :)

Amanda: that's what my dad says to your mom after he ditch her. (for being a lousy mistress i guess. no link thou)

FACT ; PROVE? lol. You lousy lah fatty. When I've feelings for you, all this shits hurt me but not now... instead i find it rather thrilling and funny everytime i wait for your reply. I want more. LOL. picturing your face, getting pissed ' amanda is a por look kueh.. rghh" LOL. Why are you being so affected why me? you still like me? awwww......



you claim that you wanan be with me then start doing nonsense to me and derek trying to rbeak up up. Fancy you go telling him that i'll be with you but you just gonna patch with me then bed me a few times then ditch me. Com'on, you dont even know what's a g spot/ clitories and u wanan bed me? try raping your mother. Hypocrite. I have dignity. You? Think got money all the chio bu come find you, please lah., you don't even scrape your tongue now, you have seriously body odour, attract flies lah.

Honestly i don't feel sorry at all for insulting you I think u deserve it because that's all you can do. Your mouth stink You only know how to made up stories and say people. Degrade people , insult them. No wonder elise warn me about you. EVeryone warn me about you. Look at you. people take a step back, you step on their head. somemore so fat, you squash them and they get pissed so when they get you back, u cry for your dad. i didn't say anythinga bout you.

even if i did, that was because you started on me, evenwhen we're together, you call me slut behind me you cheapo. think i don't know. break me and derek up. spread things about me. hey, ever since we settle our things at cine, i have stop talking abou you even thou i know you being hypocrite behind me. telling me u can do so much better than derek. NAH, you shit


Get real, i wasn't trying to be mean, i m still nice afterall. I kept myself cool till you push your limit, since you wanna play, let's play.


Derek : Eh meng chan just called me. He say his father damn angry at the way you scold him. He say his dad dunno what go find you or your parents. Z. then i say you go scold her mother first. Then he say he didn't scold until so jialat.

Fact: Melvin, wake up and get real, stop wanking to your porn videos and cumming on all over your pillows. nobody gives a shit who's worst. you started me first. 1st time? i kept myself cool. 2nd time, i kept myself cool, 3 rd, FUCK YOU LAH BU BOR KIA think i nice to get push around? you think i your father huh, don't let you win, start cursing him give lorry bang. u wait long long.



SEE I TOLD you guys, he's daddy's little boy.... he can't live without his father. NOW, even thou losing out reasoning with me, he calls his father up. LOL. i m a girl, i should be the one but i guess, you're the sissy one. Stop finding trouble. you will always lose in the end. Childish boy.


don't be stupid lah, you think everyone is as stupid as you? ''A***** H* L* L*** is a por lok lueh" on msn means people dunno is me? then when comes to reasoning, you can say it's not me? i think you have too much cheap drugs which turns you stupid, Nobody play such tactics. Play straight like me

Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang Meng Chan is daddy's little girl.
Melvin Chiang na bei chan is daddy's little girl.

you bloody drug addict. spoilt brat. buy branded stuff but dunno't how to wear the right way, btw, your blazer way too tight ad short for you. you can't even tie a tie you stupid. Noob fatty. please, get a life or ask your dad to buy you one.




pS. I CAN'T STOP GIGGLING. LOL

Melvin : Hey whore , heard you go around telling people that you went with me so you can get free trips to japan hong kong all eh, good job.

Me :i've never say such things. and eversince we stop contact, i have not spoken anything about you.

FACT : Get real, Before i got together with you, how would i know your dad wants me to go overseas with you? Basically he was the one who insist me on going and you're the one who wanted the hong kong trip, not me.



Melvin : You and your mom really have the same genes. Cheap cunning and worthless.


Amanda: i didn't say anything. That's all i can say now.

Fact : You're insulting me and I m still keeping my cool. Don't push your luck fatty.



Melvin : Then why Jun hong all those people know. You got a high reputation as a whore already now still want start this.

Amanda : derek spoke to jun hong. jun hong says that he hasn't spoke to you for 2 years. Are you kidding me or something?

FACT : It;s not the first time where he use someone's name as a scapegoat. He used HENRY, he used SHAUN , he used CHRIST. high reputation? What u mean? Can fight with you not? leat i don't buy friends using money, i don't talk big , I don't seek attention. LOL. Attention seekers.
" Eh, you know how many cars i got???? " "I race with 30 subarus, they alll went missing when i turned." "My porsche 300 horsepower won a 400 horsepower -dunno what car- which apears on hotstuff. U SAW THAT?!" Right, even ah Dog was laughing at you when he saw you losing to tht car.


Melvin: People spreading around . Please stop being so cheap and i might drive pass geylang and see you working there someday.


Amanda; Sigh, you just can't stop boosting your ego, trying to encourage yourself everytime yo get exposed. Have fun loser. I bet he's laughing at the stories you made up after being exposed. Bomb.

FACT: i didn't know i was so famous despite my low profile image for the pass few years. How to be cheap? you k now i think i worth more than you? yon're absoutely nothing without your father.'s wealth and money. i've education and true friends - BTW, i don't buy them-
. You? Nothing.


Melvin: a loser is better than being a whore who sleep with guys for money, even my dad knows you as tanjong rhu blowjob no.1.

amanda : WAH, i bet your dad went there often, That's how he got to know your mom. Woots.

FACT: why tanjong rhu? hey, issit that whore is the only word u can use against me? LOL desn't other words fit ME? FACT, there isn't because, i dont talk big, i don't show off, i m NOT A HYPOCRITE NOR A LIAR. I DON'T MADE UP STORIES TO BOOST MY SELF ESTEEM , I DON'T DO THINGS WIHTOUT A REASON, I DON'T GO AROUND INSULTING PEOPLE TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER, I DON'T GO AROUND TELLING MY FRIENDS TO DO THINGS FOR ME AND LASTLY, I DON'T HAVE BODY ODOUR. You got a funny dad. I tanjong rhu blowjob no.1 , I WISH.. LOL , then derek gonna be the most fortunate guy!

Let's say 'I number 1 blow job in tanjong rhu, your mother number 2 - that's why your dad is so in love with her but he still can't get me! - your aunt number 3 that's why your uncle have her so what now, your dad jealous? awww.. orh luh orh luh... "

Melvin: That's why your mom is stupid. Wit, A shit useless daughter like you. Go work ktv. All show off my car telling people it's your. poor ass.


Fact: My mum was quite intelligent to tell that you're "bombing" stories to her and she actually find it annoying. LOL ( see the way she complains to derek , damn funny) I don't reply on others basically except for y dad for financial wise. In future, I can work myself. you? no education. If your dad doesn't exist, you have nothing. Get it? you play drugs, YOU PLAY CHEAP DRUGS LIKE COUGH SYRUP. oh yeah, about your car, i've never told anyone it's mine. please, I DON'T BEHAVE LIKE YOU. STOP MAKING ME SOUND LIKE YOU. (lucky you can't make me smell like you, eew) i m not like you " Aiya, that lumbo used to be mine but i crash it on the first day when i got my license. Nobody knows. (REALLY? *AMAZED*)


Melvin: Pua lok kue.

Amanda: that's what your dad calls your mom. LOL

Melvin: you believe I come your house slap you now bitch. Oh ya, you have no choice anyway, your mom's such an ass, Your dad has mistress. So you have to follow your lousy mom foot step. - - lol, I Starting to laugh. no kidding.

Amanda: My dad's mistress is your mom. That's why she gave birth to you. My dad fuck your mother.

FACT: Don't threaten me. when you went down to find derek at mos, you stand at one corner and ask jerry to talk to derek for you after you " Don't xia lan with me hor" kup, derek's phone. HUMJI. where's your gut? too much cough syrup? Why? angry liao wanna slap me? Lose liao wanna insult my mother? You damn childish. Find something better please.

Melvin: Anyway, I want you to pay for the back bumper damage . total will be 11k including tax.

Amanda : your dad will pay for you.

FACT : lol... it's getting funny, You can see obviously, he was pissed. He couldn't win me in those arugments and obviously he's trying to find trouble but he lost. Please, you still owe jon 230 for spoiling his suspension. You lousy driver. bTW, i saw your porsche on sgcarmart, 550 SPYder sia. Imgaine the owner bought it and realise that there are so many damage, front, side , back , rims , engine,,, etc,, WOO.

Melvin : NEvermind :) don't pay right?? maybe should see you in court someday :)

Amanda: that's what my dad says to your mom after he ditch her. (for being a lousy mistress i guess. no link thou)

FACT ; PROVE? lol. You lousy lah fatty. When I've feelings for you, all this shits hurt me but not now... instead i find it rather thrilling and funny everytime i wait for your reply. I want more. LOL. picturing your face, getting pissed ' amanda is a por look kueh.. rghh" LOL. Why are you being so affected why me? you still like me? awwww......



you claim that you wanan be with me then start doing nonsense to me and derek trying to rbeak up up. Fancy you go telling him that i'll be with you but you just gonna patch with me then bed me a few times then ditch me. Com'on, you dont even know what's a g spot/ clitories and u wanan bed me? try raping your mother. Hypocrite. I have dignity. You? Think got money all the chio bu come find you, please lah., you don't even scrape your tongue now, you have seriously body odour, attract flies lah.


Get real, i wasn't trying to be mean, i m still nice afterall. I kept myself cool till you push your limit, since you wanna play, let's play.


Derek : Eh meng chan just called me. He say his father damn angry at the way you scold him. He say his dad dunno what go find you or your parents. Z. then i say you go scold her mother first. Then he say he didn't scold until so jialat.

Fact: Melvin, wake up and get real, stop wanking to your porn videos and cumming on all over your pillows. nobody gives a shit who's worst. you started me first. 1st time? i kept myself cool. 2nd time, i kept myself cool, 3 rd, FUCK YOU LAH CHEEBYE, think i nice to get push around? you think i your father huh, don't let you win, start cursing him give lorry bang. u wait long long.



SEE I TOLD you guys, he's daddy's little boy.... he can't live without his father. NOW, even thou losing out reasoning with me, he calls his father up. LOL. i m a girl, i should be the one but i guess, you're the sissy one.


don't be stupid lah, you think everyone is as stupid as you? ''A***** H* L* L*** is a por lok lueh" on msn mean people dunno is me? then when comes to reasoning, you can say it's not me? i think you have too much cheap drugs which turns you stupid, Nobody play such tactics. Play straight like me

Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.
Melvin is daddy's little girl.


pS. I CAN'T STOP GIGGLING. LOL